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Post your jokes

twelve

twelve

I'm not dead
No racism, basically anything else goes.

If it's likely to be offensive to people (dead baby jokes etc) then put it in a spoiler.

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I went to the doctor and said, "My shit looks like liquorice."

He said, "You're gonna die in five minutes."

I said, "Why? What disease have I got?"

He said, "All sorts."

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Disabled toilets.

Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

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How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?

Let's go ride our bikes!
 
Hardrive

Hardrive

Contributor
fortune_cookies.png


^^ Try it in real life, sometimes it works.
 
twelve

twelve

I'm not dead
No one else has any lols :(

Have some short ones and a really long one.




Why do doctors slap new born babies arses at birth?

To make the dicks fall off the stupid ones.

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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

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I don't know about you, but I'm sick of seeing disabled people being pushed around...

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I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
 
S

Sullivan

New Member
What do you call earth when the women go to heaven?

Peace on Earth.

sorry myst.
 
J

JEMdev

New Member
no racism but i can pick on women
SWEET.

(this joke is from an area of legal prostitution)

A man walked to work everyday along the same path

most days he passed a prostitute

the prostititute cat-called him most days, trying to win herself a client

when finally one day she asked the man, "how come you never even give me a look"

the man replied, "because i don't HAVE to pay for sex"

and the prostitute said
"no man has ever had sex that he didn't pay for."

==========================================

knock knock joke kill method (for the person asked the knock knock joke)

knock knock

who's there

"x"

fuck off, "x" i told you not to come around here anymore

=================================================

why did the chicken cross the road
because tradition demanded so

================================================

emo phillips joke that came to mind

I was in miami last week.
and i needed a place to stay

so i decided to visit the 3 palms hotel

well i checked into my room
and met the lovely couple the that ran the place

tragically but not suprisingly the mans wife was missing a hand.

==============================================

A rabbi walked into a bar

The barkeep gave him a speech about the importance of religous figures not visiting run down dive places like bar's

and asked him to leave.

================================================

A man stopped me on the street the other day

however, this was no ordinary man,

this man had a proposition for me, he claimed that he could show me
the humor of everyday life

he asked that i stand on one foot
with the other foot held perpendicular to my body (straight out)

he then asked me to hold his briefcase in my right hand

he then asked me to remove my shoes, and place them on top of one another

finally he asked me to open the briefcase

inside the suitcase was a note that said,

red shoe for you, foot hat, red two

i asked him the point of all these complicated mundane tasks

he concluded that i had missed the point and should take a minute without braking position to think about this joke.

he then proceeded to walk behind me hit me with a bat in the back of my head and take my wallet
 
M

Muratcan

New Member
The Credit Crunch has hit Japan:
-Bonsai bank has cut many of it's branches.
-The Sumo bank has gone belly up.
-Shares in Kamikaze bank have nosedived.
-Investors at Sushi bank smell something fishy and suspect they are getting a raw deal.
-The Origami bank has folded.
-Employees at karate bank have got the chop.
 
B

Bossmanuk

Contributor
Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.



Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'
'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'
'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'.'
 
twelve

twelve

I'm not dead
lol. only problem with that is that Aussies dont drink Fosters. It's XXXX or VB :p




I am embarrased, the last time I had sex with my girlfriend I cried.

To be fair she had just died.
 
Seth

Seth

MD Party Room
There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'


Or this one

One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me five free beers?"

The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first."

So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano.

The 10 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five beers. How did you do that?"

"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and will grant you one wish."

So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will grant one wish. Choose carefully."

"I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000 ducks came out of nowhere.

The bartender goes back into the bar.

"Boy" he says to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing."

The man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"
 
Seth

Seth

MD Party Room
I found this kinda funny..

jhx4zo.png
 
amrcidiot

amrcidiot

MFM Survivor
What's the difference between ten dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
 
B

BlackBurd

Original Gangstuh
Number one joke..... Sarah palin

number two joke...... The view

number 3........ nintendo wii.

now onto the real jokes
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One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said: the sky is definitely blue! I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else? Timmy raised his hand and said: the grass is definitely green. I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else? Little Johnny raises his hand and says: Teacher do farts have lumps? The teacher says,no why? Jonny says: Then I definitely Shit my pants!

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